BEYONCE'S bum needs its own manager. You could be forgiven for thinking that that the singer's voluptuous cheeks have their own career, given the amount of media coverage they receive.
Their latest outing, at last week's American Music Awards, has been documented gleefully by most of the mags, now that the closely monitored orbs are finally back to their buxom old selves after a dark period where Beyonce starved the poor things into submission on a diet of maple syrup mixed with lemon juice, water and cayenne pepper for her role in the movie Dream Girls.
"I got my booty back," NW's cover celebrates, alongside a photo of the star flaunting her famous bum, which appears to have been piped into her tight gold dress via some sort of sausage-making device.
While Beyonce is reportedly thrilled with her fuller bottom, the mag worries that she's on the verge of over-inflating it, as a result of troubles in her love life.
"She's just so lonely and love-starved that at the end of the day, if Beyonce can't get [rapper boyfriend] Jay-Z on the phone, she opens a bag of potato chips and gorges," NW reveals. "She lies in bed with the lights off and downs a pint of ice-cream and sometimes even falls asleep with the spoon in her mouth."
We don't know what the mag is worried about. The bigger, the better, we reckon, because when it comes to bums, size evidently does matter. Keep chomping those chips, Beyonce, because it's only a matter of time before that behind of yours will be starring in its own movie and recording its own album.
Speaking of bums with their own personalities, the owner of another of them, David Beckham, is featured in every magazine this week, to coincide with his trip to Australia with his new American soccer team.
NW rehashes a few classic Beck-isms, presumably just in case we needed to be reminded that the soccer star is better seen and not heard: "I think when people boo you it's a sign of respect, really," he has sagely said. And "I definitely want [son] Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
Moving on to the thinking woman's Posh and Becks: Brad and Ange. Famous reports the Jolie-Pitts have been buying up a storm at a London sex shop "in a bid to inject some much-needed passion into their lives".
Apparently kinky Ange is sick of the same old bedroom routine (and of course she made sure Famous was the first know this) and sent Brad out in search of battery-powered accessories to assist him in "kick-starting their once red-hot passion".
Maybe Ange should start wearing bum padding. Well, it works for Beyonce, doesn't it?